Meeting the Mexican confirmed to me my theory that there is no such thing as ‘The one’ in that there can be many ‘ones’ – well not perhaps ‘many’ but definitely more than one!
You see, I could easily imagine a future with this lovely man. I could picture our troop of beautiful little mixed-race kids – ¼ Mexican, ¼ German, ¼ St Lucian and ¼ English! I could see us travelling around in a camper van with the family experiencing new places, having new adventures, talking into the night and planning new dreams as we collectively conquered our goals. I would be happy with him. He found me interesting and listened when I spoke. I found him fascinating and inspiring. I knew we’d be good friends. I knew he was solid. An exceptional man.
I am extremely fussy and hardly ever fancy men but as with all fantasies ‘The Mexican’ can of course remain ‘perfect’ in my mind. Our future is solid, certain and unspoilt. We will of course forever find each other engaging and attractive. I won’t ever need to know his bad habits and he won’t ever need to be annoyed or irritated by me. It can remain perfect.
That said, what really inspired me about The Mexican was his approach to life. He was single-minded in wanting to achieve his dreams and live life to the full. He knew that travelling and experiencing new things is what centred him and brought him ‘back to the middle’ when it was needed. I loved his sense of adventure and just the way he seemed to enjoy life. Amongst the million and one things we talked about that night I realised that meeting the ‘right person for you’ is all about having the same outlook on life. Not necessarily the same actual goals and plans (though that does of course help) but it’s about finding someone with the same way of thinking as you. The same approach to life. It is no good being with a ‘settler’ if deep down you’re an ‘adventurer’. That doesn’t mean your family hols are climbing Mount Everest, it just means you’ll understand when your partner feels the need to travel to feel alive or to escape to find a new experience. If you have a similar outlook it can be an adventure you work out together and you won’t feel fazed or threatened by it and neither will they feel trapped or guilty for feeling it.
Meeting the Mexican made me think a lot about what I should and shouldn’t accept and expect in a partner. It was very healing and empowering. The experience at least showed me what is possible in a man. That really are out there not just in the movies!
I don’t know if I’ll ever see him again but he will now always be a part of my journey and a significant part at that.
No I’m not talking about Neo and the Matrix, but you know… the One! Soul Mate. Life Partner. Destined one and only! I used to be very sure that there was. Growing up since my mid teens as a Christian and being a self-confessed romantic I felt sure God would lead me to the man who had been prepared in advance for only me and we would therefore be completely compatible in every way and he would be my prince and rescue me from all messed up views due to a lack of a strong Father figure and we’d basically live happily ever after.
As you know, this was not my story and it didn’t work out anywhere close to how it was meant to in my head seen as I am now divorced and a single parent! So did I make a mistake? Did I simply not choose wisely? Did I give up too easily? Did God get it wrong? Of course I have gone over all these questions many times in the past few years and it’s caused me a lot of fear with regards to whether I would ever be able to make a ‘right’ choice of partner in the future. The whole experience made me distrust myself more than I distrusted God about it and I am often heard to proclaim how ‘bad I am at relationships’.
However, recently I had a bit of an epiphany:
There is no such thing as ‘the one’ unless you choose one!
My ex was not a ‘wrong’ choice. It just didn’t work out and the right choices were not made to enable the relationship to continue. Just like to a certain extent your happiness is a matter of choice – i.e. you’re as happy as you choose to be – the right partner is the one you choose. Bar of course those who are a clear bad choice as in they are damaging to you in some way.
This is not to say I believe you should choose just any old person. I still long to be swept off my feet by someone who rocks my world, mind and body all with one look/word – which is no mean feat. I want a best friend, some one I respect, some one I can have lots of fun with and talk all night with and some one I fancy the pants off! I am extremely fussy and hardly ever fancy anyone so it is quite a tall order to even turn my head. But what I am saying is once all those boxes are ticked (which is hard enough to do in the first place) there is no need for the agonising over whether they are the ‘right’ person or ‘the one’. By choosing someone and loving them, you make them the one.
I think there are many ‘ones out there – a few people with whom we could make a happy, healthy, fulfilling and therefore successful relationship with. This is not to say it would be easy and plain sailing. It may well be that your choice means you have your work cut out for you with many hurdles and obstacles ahead, but it will always feel worth it, because you chose the person and made them ‘the one’.
50% of why I have come away on my travels is to get over a man I loved who didn’t love me. We were quite nearly perfect together except for he couldn’t choose me. He is not my ‘one’ simply because he didn’t choose me!
I guess there will be another ‘one’ but in the mean time I need to put a few countries, a big bit of sea and hundreds of miles in between us in order to get over it and move on. Life is beautiful and time is precious and not to be wasted. There is fun to be had in this wonderful world and adventure called life.