So I’m writing this while I’m still frustrated, slightly resentful, grumpy and definitely tired – after all I said I’d be totally honest on this journey!
Had my first gig in a while with our band, Sugarfoot, last night. It was strange, uncomfortable and exhilarating stepping back into my ‘old’ life and attempting to make it real to my ‘current’ situation. Lovely friends came out to support and boogie the night away and we played with some awesome musicians. It was amusing to look out at myself strutting away like a diva knowing less than an hour before I was tucking my two year old in bed and singing ‘The Wheels on the Bus’. All in all it was a successful gig and lots of fun but I couldn’t help mentally calculating how much sleep I might get as I drove home. I crawled into bed around 1am and just as I was about to drop off to sleep about 15 minutes later I heard my son wake up. He then proceeded to scream and ask me to ‘pat’ him to sleep (a bad habit I have the nursery to thank for) until 3.30am.
As I sat patting in the dark remembering how after previous gigs I’d still be dancng the night away I couldn’t help but ask myself ‘Is it worth it?’ So I’d had a good night possibly kidding myself I still ‘had it’ – my musical career had never really taken off as I’d hoped and dreamed – and now I was looking at less than 4 hours sleep and a demanding little boy the next morning!!! Was it worth it?? Three and a half hours later I heard a little voice calling for me and that was my night’s sleep over (anyone who knows me well knows the seriousness of less than 8 hours sleep for Loretta Fenton). Was it worth it?
As I try to type this now as a therapeutic downloading and cooling off about the whole thing, my son is having a meltdown next to me because he wants to wtch planes on my lap top and wants me to stop working – Is it worth it?
I think so.
I want it to be.